Those of you who know me well know that I write a lot...it's always been very therapeutic for me. I'm finding that in the last few weeks writing has been a great source of comfort - even if most of what I write is never read by anyone else. In fact, most of everything I've written in my life has been for my eyes only. Anyway, I found myself writing this afternoon yet again. This one I wanted to share as I think it allows all of you a glimpse into my current emotions, which sometimes are hard to express. **************** Some days are good, some are bad - that seems to be the bittersweet reality of my life these days. How do you juggle the joy of one new life and mourn the loss of another at the same time? I feel like I will never be allowed to get off this emotional roller coaster. I miss my Jameson so much that sometimes I just shut down. Being numb has its advantages and allows you to pretend, at least for a little while, that you are on the outside looking in - that this nightmare belongs to someone else. But the inevitable happens and you begin to feel again. That's when the flood of tears threaten to drown you and you feel like the cuts are too deep to ever heal. And just when I think I can't stand it anymore, one of my many supporters intervene and lift me up. They are the ones in my life who are always there for me and never let me fall too low. Mom and dad, how can I ever thank you enough? You have lent an ear when I just needed to talk - for so many years. Jimmy, you are my life, my heart. You have held my hand and gotten me through all of the recent days when I've cried endlessly. Cameryn, as young as you are - you have no idea the joy you bring to me. When you ask me to read you a bedtime story, it reminds me of what a good mother I am and how much you need me. And Reid.... How can someone so tiny impact your life in such a drastic way? What a little fighter you are! You make me want to be happy again and I know once you come home to our loving arms, I will find a sense of peace. We will always remember your brother - we have only to look at your face and there we will find him. In this way, we will always know Jameson is with us - our precious angel baby.
July 30, 2008
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6 comments:
You have always had such a way with words. Any person that reads this can feel what is truly inside your heart. I have not seen Cameryn since my baby shower for Owen! She is sooo pretty! Reid already looks so much less like a newborn! Sometimes you don't want anytime to pass and sometimes like now the passing of each day is such a blessing and it is good to know that even on the days that you feel like you can't get through because of all the heartache...you just do and then the next day brings you something new and different. keep hanging in there.
your friend,
Aja
Every morning I come to work and I sign on to read your blog. Today I am crying. You are so insprational and I love that about you. You are the best mother and wife anyone could ask for and the way you take things in stride is incredible. I couldn't have asked for a better sister in law and mother to my niece and nephew. Keep fighting, crying and laughing.
Love you, Janine
My Dearest Shari and Jimmy,
I miss you all so very much. It is so hard to be so far away from your children when they are in so much pain. There is so much I want to do to help but I know that only Reid's coming home and time will heal your pain.
Shari I can't begin to tell you how your letter touched me but then so many things you do touch me. The way you have always looked at Cameryn with such love has always amazed me. How could someone so young know how too love with such intensity. I can actually see and feel the love you exude every time you look at your Daughter and now Reid.
I would wake up at night when Cameryn was due for her night feeding only to see that you had gotten up before me, and from the top of the stairs I would watch you hold your precious Daughter with such love in your eyes.
Parents are suppose to love and take care of their children I know that, but when you watch someone hold their child and you can that love exuded it is incredible.Shari I see that look on your face every time you look at your children.
You my dear you are an incredible Mother and person, and you never cease to amaze me. Maturity beyond your years and such gracefulness even in the midst of such adversity. I have always been so impressed with your loving and caring ways, you are wiser than your years!
I know in my heart you and my son will be ok because of your Love!!
Cameryn and Ried are so very BLESSED to have both of you as parents, how could two children ask for more!
I love you both so much that it pains me too be so far away.
My thoughts and prayers are always with you and always will be, you are my life. Well I must go or I will never stop telling you how much I admire and love you and Jimmy.
I need to mention our precious Jameson you will always be in our HEARTS and prayers. You had such a short time here on earth but touched so many!!
You are so lucky that your Mom and Dad have enough LOVE for you Jameson that it will last an Eternity this is not good bye we will see you later.
All our love Nona and Pop Pop
Shari, you are inspirational and your post touched me so deeply. Thank you for sharing your heart, love, tears and words with us all.
Shari- You certainly do have a way w/ words. As we know life comes w/ joy, pain, blessings and challenges. My prayer is that you never forget the time you had w/ Jameson, that you treasure the time w/ Reid, Camryn and Jimmy. I pray that with each new day you grow more and more at peace with all that has gone on, then that huge joy would fill your heart and life. My heart breaks for your loss and comes back together for all that you have. You are blessed w/ an awesome husband, daughter and now son. Your parents and family surround you so that you are not going through it alone. You are blessed and we are blessed to know you. Thanks for sharing your thoughts, updates and pictures. I will continue to look forward to the blogs. Love, Lynn
Your love is an inspiration to us all. I check in daily and cheer on the progess of Reid, but it is the life lessons I learn from your writing that touches me more than I could imagine. Keep writing because we are all here to listen! If there is anything that we can do, we'll be there! I wait anxiously for that update that says Reid is coming home. I know it is just around the corner now. Keep up the good work!
Love, Jill Lewis
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