My Thoughts...

Those of you who know me well know that I write a lot...it's always been very therapeutic for me. I'm finding that in the last few weeks writing has been a great source of comfort - even if most of what I write is never read by anyone else. In fact, most of everything I've written in my life has been for my eyes only. Anyway, I found myself writing this afternoon yet again. This one I wanted to share as I think it allows all of you a glimpse into my current emotions, which sometimes are hard to express. **************** Some days are good, some are bad - that seems to be the bittersweet reality of my life these days. How do you juggle the joy of one new life and mourn the loss of another at the same time? I feel like I will never be allowed to get off this emotional roller coaster. I miss my Jameson so much that sometimes I just shut down. Being numb has its advantages and allows you to pretend, at least for a little while, that you are on the outside looking in - that this nightmare belongs to someone else. But the inevitable happens and you begin to feel again. That's when the flood of tears threaten to drown you and you feel like the cuts are too deep to ever heal. And just when I think I can't stand it anymore, one of my many supporters intervene and lift me up. They are the ones in my life who are always there for me and never let me fall too low. Mom and dad, how can I ever thank you enough? You have lent an ear when I just needed to talk - for so many years. Jimmy, you are my life, my heart. You have held my hand and gotten me through all of the recent days when I've cried endlessly. Cameryn, as young as you are - you have no idea the joy you bring to me. When you ask me to read you a bedtime story, it reminds me of what a good mother I am and how much you need me. And Reid.... How can someone so tiny impact your life in such a drastic way? What a little fighter you are! You make me want to be happy again and I know once you come home to our loving arms, I will find a sense of peace. We will always remember your brother - we have only to look at your face and there we will find him. In this way, we will always know Jameson is with us - our precious angel baby.

Picture of Mommy & Reid

Just wanted to post the picture that the nurses took of me and Reid in the NICU yesterday... We also took a picture of Reid with daddy, but it is on a disposable camera...sooo, we have to wait until all the pics are used up on it before it can be developed.

Updates on Cameryn & Reid

Thought I'd just write a little blurb about how Miss Cameryn is doing these days. She has become quite the little independent boss. And she is VERY smart...sometimes maybe too smart for her own good. At her 2 year check up, the doctor asked me if I thought she had at least a 50 word vocabulary. I had to laugh...Jimmy and I kept a list going for a while and we quit once we got to 150 words. Seriously. She talks non-stop - my mom says she's just like another little girl she used to know :-) Did I ever mention that in first grade I received N's across the board in conduct due to my excessive talking? Guess the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree.

She is such a joy, even when she is exhibiting her "terrible two's." She definitely keeps Jimmy and me busy, busy, busy, which these days is a very good thing. What a blessing she is. I've included a picture that Jimmy took of Cameryn with his cell phone. She likes posing for the camera and saying "cheese!" I think we have another 'Hollywood' on our hands...

I visited Reid at noon today and was surprised and of course pleased to see that he is once again off his C-PAP machine and has been moved back to the nasal cannula's! Dr. Ahmed again wanted to make sure that I understood that it is o.k. if he has to go back on C-PAP in a few days, but that he has high hopes that Reid will tolerate just being on the cannula's this time. It is so wonderful to be able to see all of his little face again. He is now eating 24 cc's every three hours, which is the max he can receive per feeding for his current weight (2 pounds, 11 oz). He is now also receiving an additive in his milk which ups his caloric intake, so he should really start packing on the pounds....well, at least the ounces!

I have a great new picture the nurses took today - I'll scan and post it tomorrow at work.

Rest In Peace My Littlest Angel - Pics of Jameson

As promised, here are a few pictures of Jameson. I've been meaning to scan and upload these pics for some time now, but it seemed like every time I would start to pull them out, I would start crying again. I finally realized that I will probably cry for the loss of my baby for a very long time and that it is o.k. The first picture is of Jameson when he was 2 hours old - you can see the ventilator in his mouth. The second picture is of the precious moments that I was able to hold Jameson. The last picture is just after Jimmy and I left the NICU - Jameson was then taken off life support and rocked by Pat (one of my favorite nurses) as he drifted away. You can really see his beautiful little face in this picture. *************************************** Rest in peace my precious angel...we will remember you forever. You were so strong and courageous to hang on and you gave your brother a fighting chance at life. We know you will watch over Reid forever and we will make sure he knows what a special twin brother he once had. Mommy and daddy love and miss you so much.

Reid's 1st Pictures...

These pictures were taken by the nursing staff in the NICU in the first two days of Reids life. They were given to us as hard copies, so I had to scan them onto my computer in order to upload to the blog. The first pic is when Reid was just two hours old - this is what the CPAP machine looks like. The second pic is of the first time I was able to hold Reid - he was about a day and a half old. He sure has come a long way!!!

Growing, Growing, Growing!

Things are looking good! Reid is now getting 18cc's of milk every 3 hours (he goes up 1 additional cc every 12 hours). So, he is eating just over 1/2 of 1 ounce at each feeding. What a good little eater! Even Dr. Ahmed said that he is quite impressed with our little man's appetite. His weight is up to 2 pounds, 10 oz (as of last evening) - only 6 more ounces before he hits 3 pounds! We bought some adorable little preemie sized footed pajamas that we took up to the NICU for the nurses to dress him in. The pajamas look so small when they are on the hanger, but Reid just gets lost in them! His little feet are literally about half way down the pant legs. He'll grow into them in no time at all though! The best new news is that he had his IV removed today! All of the doctors and nurses I've talked to have said that this is one of the first major steps for a baby in the NICU to accomplish. It cuts down dramatically on the chance of infection. Looks like Dr. Ahmed might try to switch him off CPAP and back onto the nasal cannulas again in another week or so. We'll see how it goes. I held Reid for about 20 minutes tonight while he ate. He had his eyes open and looked right at me almost the whole time. He seemed very content. Jimmy and I are so in love.... :-) We figure once Reid is off CPAP again, we might try to take Cameryn up to visit her new baby brother. It will of course be a VERY quick visit, but I think she will just love it! That visit should make for some adorable pictures! till next time...

A Tiny Setback...

It's been a few days since I've updated the blog...Cameryn came down with strep throat, so we have been trying to get her healthy again. She is about 36 hours into her antibiotic, and she is already looking and feeling better. Because she has been sick, we haven't been able to visit Reid too much - we didn't want to take the chance of getting him sick too. He definitely doesn't need that!!! Mimi & Grampy have been visiting Reid though, so he at least has someone to hold him and love on him (not that the nurses don't already do that all the time!). So the last few days we've been calling the NICU a lot and getting updates over the phone. Here is what has been happening...

First the great news -

Reid is now taking 11 cc's of milk every 3 hours! That is just over 1/3 of 1 ounce, so he is doing a great job with his eating. Looks like he might just be as good of an eater as his older sis. As of last evening he weighs 2 pounds, 9 oz, so he is growing!

Now for the small setback-

Reid is back on C-PAP. Dr. Ahmed told us to expect this to happen though b/c the transition from C-PAP to the nasal cannula's sometimes is tough for the little ones. Apparently yesterday the nurses noticed that he was having a little harder time breathing (with the cannula's), so they took a chest x-ray. The x-ray showed that his right lung wasn't inflating nearly as much as the left lung, so there was some concern that his right lung might have collapsed. That is the reason they switched him to C-PAP yesterday. They took a follow up x-ray this morning and it showed dramatic improvement! So...no collapsed lung! He just needs a little more help with his breathing right now. Dr. Ahmed assured us that this wasn't anything to be concerned about - that all in all Reid is doing GREAT!

The pics at the top of this post are some my mom and dad took when they visited Reid Saturday night...you can really see his face and dark hair b/c he was still on the nasal cannula's at that time. As you can tell, he is sleeping the vast majority of each day - that is very good though...he's saving his energy for growing!

I plan to scan and post a couple of pics of Jameson tomorrow...just so people can see Reid's little guardian angel.

Not Too Much New to Report...

So today was pretty uneventful, which sometimes I think is a good thing. Reid now weighs 2 pounds, 6 oz - 1 oz heavier than his birth weight. He is up to 6cc's of milk per feeding, so we should begin to see some weight gain soon. He was also moved to another section of the NICU this afternoon. Our NICU has three different rooms. The first room is for babies who are in critical condition (which is where all newborn preemies originally go) and is where Reid spent his first 9 days. In this first room, the babies have to be monitored constantly and are considered 'sick' or just too small to function well on their own. The second room is for babies who are in a little better shape. They are still monitored a lot, but aren't in as critical a condition. So that is a blessing that Reid has 'graduated.' I try to remind myself daily that there could be some setbacks eventually, but it is such a wonderful feeling when my little man has a good day. Mimi and Grampy (Shari's parents) visited Reid tonight - my mom took several great pics of Reid, but I won't be able to post them until Monday (my mom's card reader is at her work place) . That's all for today...

More Great News...

Well, another good day in the NICU! Today Reid was taken off of C-PAP and put on just the nasal cannula! That is a great sign and means that he is almost ready to breathe all on his own. He is also eating well again - 3 cc's as of our visit tonight. He will move up to 4cc's tomorrow. To put it into perspective, 30cc's equals 1 ounce. Reid's nurse tonight told us 4cc's is the equivalent to one tablespoon - so that is how much he gets every 3 hours. He has a tiny tummy! He gets weighed each night at 11:30 pm, so I'll have an update for you tomorrow. Without the C-PAP mask (or as Jimmy calls it - headgear) we could finally see his whole face and head. He has the cutest little nose and a full head of dark brown hair. So adorable... Today was also the first day that the nurses dressed him in preemie clothes. He had on a yellow footed pajama outfit. It was huge on him! His little legs on came about half way down the leg of the pajamas! Still it was nice to see him in baby clothes. Here are a couple of pictures from tonight's visit. I only took two because the flash seemed to bother him. My mom suggested that next time I should put my hand on him so that you can get an idea as to how small he is. I'll try that tomorrow. Oh and his head scan came back normal....yeah! He'll probably have one more in a few weeks.

Reid - One Week Old

Well, today marks one week since Reid was born. Things have been very good so far. Jimmy and I visit Reid every day (sometimes twice a day). I also get to hold him once each day. He can't be moved around too much b/c he needs to save his energy for growing! He is currently still on C-PAP (basically an oxygen mask that just helps him breathe easier), but Dr. Ahmed (Reid's baby doctor) thinks he will move to just the nasal plugs in a day or two. He lost some weight, but every baby does. He currently weighs 2 pounds, 2 oz. He started with his feedings on Monday - just 1cc of breast milk which is literally a drop! He is fed through a tube that runs through his mouth into his belly. The milk is put into the tube via a small syringe. He digested that well, so he moved up each day and as of Wed. morning he was up to 3cc's! Such a little piggy! Wednesday was a little tough b/c we found out Reid had a heart murmur. Dr. Ahmed assured us that a heart murmur is very common in preemies Reid's size and that hopefully it would correct itself with the help of antibiotic. He received 3 doses of the antibiotic over 48 hours. Unfortunately, he couldn't eat during this time. So a small step backwards, but things could certainly be worse. Yesterday (Thurs. 7/16) Reid had his first blood transfusion. As scary as that sounds, it apparently is also very common with preemies. He was very fussy yesterday though, but that is to be expected. Today (7/17), we found out that the antibiotic worked and corrected the heart murmur!!! Yeah! He started with his feedings again at noon today - back to 2cc's, but hopefully that will pick up soon. He had a head scan today too to check for any bleeds. Bleeding in the brain is another risk that preemies have. We haven't had our consult with Dr. Ahmed yet, but one of Reid's baby nurses said that she overheard that it looked normal (i.e. no bleeds!). So cross your fingers!!! Future posts shouldn't be this long...just trying to catch you all up on our fist week in the NICU! I will also try to post some pics of both Reid and Jameson - will probably be Monday as I will start back with a few hours at work.

Recap...

I've decided to start a this blog site to let everyone know what is going on in the life of the Nardello's. As many of you know, things have been very difficult for us for quite a while now. I won't write a long recap, but to summarize things - here we go... June 16th Jimmy and I went in for a routine prenatal visit. We weren't expecting anything unusual...boy were we wrong. My doctor did a pelvic exam and determined right away that I was leaking amniotic fluid. That was not good news because it pretty much meant that one of the two twins water had broken prematurely...WAY prematurely. I was only 24 weeks along at the time. The next 22 days were very stressful. I was on complete bed rest at the hospital and was monitored around the clock. The hardest part of the entire bed rest experience was not being able to do the normal day to day things with Cameryn. But, I knew the longer the boys stayed in my tummy the better chance they would have at survival. On July 10th (just shy of 28 weeks gestation - full term is 40 weeks) I started hemorrhaging and my doctor determined that I needed to go immediately for an emergency c-section. There was some concern of twin A's placenta separating from the womb. There was no time for an epidural so I had to go under general anaesthesia and I was asleep for the whole delivery. At 2:21 pm my beautiful boys were born. Jameson Luke (Baby A - whose water had broken so early) was born first followed immediately by Reid Morgan. Both babies weighed exactly 2 pounds, 5 oz and appeared at first to be healthy. Both boys were rushed to the neonatal intensive care unit (NICU). The devastating news came about 4 hours later. Jameson's lungs never developed past 24 weeks (when his water broke). He was on a ventilator, but was unable to breathe on his own. His oxygen level was only at 20% (should be 90%+), so brain damage was inevitable. He was also in a lot of pain and was suffering. After consulting with his doctor, we made the impossibly hard decision to take him off life support. I did get a chance to hold him and sing to him. Once he came off of life support he died within 10 minutes. As I stated before, this was just a recap of the events leading up to Reid's progress in the NICU. My posts from here out will detail his day to day progress for those interested.